Mohenjo… Mohenjo… Mohenjo… Mohenjo Daro! Javed Akhar saab, seriously?

Oh wait! Let us rewind to 2006 AD. There lived a Superhero called Krrish. Played by Hrithik Roshan, Krrish lead a near-anonymous life. His granny was unaware of something called personal space. Krrish suspected of having something extraordinary in him. One fine day, he meets a pretty (annoying) damsel, who, in the strangest of ways takes him to the one who wronged his father. He makes a heroic payback, saves his father, saves the world and gets the girl.

Cut to 2016 BC. There lived an Indigo farmer called Sarman. Played, again, by Hrithik Roshan, he dreams of a graphic unicorn crafted by a VFX team trained in the same primitive era. Here he lives with his peasant chacha-chachi who believe in babysitting the overgrown guy. Clueless beyond belief, Sarman sets out to Mohenjo Daro. He gives a rat’s shit for the promise that he makes to his chacha and discovers a secret coin (sort of a prehistoric Jaadoo) with the very own unicorn engraved. 

Soon he meets Chaani – a high-maintenance reject from Sabyasachi’s auditions for Lakme Fashion Week. Complete with ornate head gears, push up bras, soft curls, deep-neck gowns with slits that could give Rakhi Sawant wardrobe goals, this girl might just take about a day and half to get ready for a morning stroll. Eerily enough, she takes a shine to our unkempt hero and leads him to his father’s killer. And oh, the lady out here is some sort of a revered Goddess-like PYT who speaks like the girl I saw fighting with the TC at Byculla Station. Talk about middle-class values! Sarman, too, takes revenge, plays Noah, saves a village, discovers India, names Ganga and so on…

Having said that, (on gun point) our audience would still prefer Rakesh Roshan’s dumb, naïve Krrish any day.  

Ashutosh Gowariker loves his one-line briefs and Hrithik Roshan’s only purpose in life is to inspire the hell out of folks like Tiger Shroff. Together they make this doomsday of a flick – Mohenjo Daro. While one should give the production design team (headed by Sanjay Karble) half the marks for some inspiring work out there, CK Muraleedharan’s cinematography makes sure to have the front-benchers go dizzy with an overdose of wayward camera movements and angles. Thankfully, AR Rahman provides a reasonably good soundtrack. While the worded songs are nearly dismal, the background score lends a neat atmosphere to the otherwise drab film.

Throughout its run-time, I awaited at least a tiny element worth liking but Mohenjo Daro‘s super-hackneyed script made sure that I didn’t dare. There are characters queuing up to be our lead’s sidekicks. Screen space anyone? The lead pair displays no sizzle, no chemistry. Their love story exists for reasons best known to Gowariker and in one of the lighter scenes, the leading lady goes one step ahead of Rab Ne Bana Di Jodi and starts yapping like an undercover Sunny Leone. And our Indigo farmer hero devises fresh theories of fluid mechanics, kinematics and statics so that Ashutosh Gowariker and his VFX team could dish out that painfully chaotic finale.

Actors either ham away to glory (Hrithik, Kabir Bedi) or are way too cool to care (Pooja Hegde, Arunodaya Singh, Nitish Bharadwaj). Arunodaya is an unintentional laugh riot in his bizarre attire and caps. His diction is oh-so-convent-school-taught and those priceless expressions and smile should earn him a place at Bandra’s high end cafes to be their permanent eye candy – also to never let him reach a film set in his lifetime.

However, Mohenjo Daro’s biggest achievement will be an entry to The Flintstones’ Wikipedia page under the ‘In Popular Culture’ section! Guess what? We have Hrithik Roshan fight two cannibals (!!!) who clearly seem to have raided Fred and Barney’s wardrobes. The film could also promote Bolivia tourism for blatantly aping their boats found in Lake Titicaca.

In short, fond memories of enjoying Flintstones, snoring through middle school History lessons and admiring Govarikar’s Swades stand scarred forever with this shockingly insipid film. What a monumental waste of labour! Sigh…

Rating: ★ 1/2

Just in case you happened to miss the godawful trailer, here’s it:

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